So you want to get into BDSM but only have Fifty
Shades books and films to teach you? Look no further than this to find out the
truth about bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism.
Knowing the realities of this subculture will not
make you a perfect dominant or submissive overnight. It will, however, help you
get to your goals.
1. There are
levels.
For many newcomers and those who only know Hollywood BDSM, it’s only a two-dimensional relationship where someone is the top or dominant, and the other is the bottom or submissive. This is not the case in real life partnerships that have some level of BDSM in their sexual and home life.
Others can be perfectly happy with
restraint and control, where men or women wear chastity cages as a sign of being owned. Others go deep into whipping, caning,
caging, and even humiliation.
2. One man’s kink,
another man’s shame.
Not every person will find your kink sexy. Not every person you talk to will see your particular proclivities as helpful and healthy. Be careful who you discuss such topics with, especially if it’s about activities such as role-playing, furries, or watersports.
When introducing a new activity in
bed, you have to understand that it could be received with a certain level of
resistance or even outright denial. There are what are called soft kinks or fetishes, such as spanking,
some adult language, and even restraints that can be uncoupled if the partner
needs a time out.
There are also hard fetishes such as cutting,
complete dehumanization, and even the use of recreational drugs. Not everyone
will be into that, and you both should get educated before trying anything out.
3. Remember
permission, knowledge, and consent.
Consent is incredibly meaningful to everyone in the BDSM community. No matter how submissive you are in bed or in life, regardless of your domineering character, you must always discuss the other person’s willingness to try something scary.
When opening up about your desires, you must be
ready to talk to your partner about it before engaging in sex. If you are new
to it and your partner wants to try something different, please remember to
respect their needs and be honest about your level of comfort.
4. Apply
post-session care.
One of the most precious and golden moments of real BDSM is aftercare. Without this, every session would be damaging to both parties. On the one hand, a dominant who beats, shames, and humiliates their partner without reaffirming that it was all part of the game, ends up becoming psychopathic and callous.
On the other side, the submissive will come to
associate pain and destruction with love and commitment. Aftercare is about
establishing the framework of identity and humanity. Without it, people would
keep making up excuses about why they hurt people and why they think it should
keep going.
Whatever partnership or dynamics you have, remember
that there are levels and colors to BDSM and its genres. One couple’s
relationship could be completely different from yours.
Other couples might find your own relationship
strange. As long as both of you are happy with each other and respect the established
boundaries, then all is well.
